past struggles

i had been thinking about writing this blog for a while, just to kind of chronicle what has been going on with me for the last 7 months or so.
in june when we found out that we were unexpectedly pregnant we were not quite sure what to think. we had not planned for this, but we had to accept it. so for a month we embraced that we were pregnant with a third child. it had messed up my plans of teaching preschool for the upcoming year, but that was ok because we were going to have another baby and that was exciting. being that nothing bad had happened with my other pregnancies i just assumed that you get pregnant, you have a baby. 1 + 1 =2 right? well not always. so we went in for a routine ultrasound at 8 weeks and found out that the baby had not developed passed 6 weeks. there was no heartbeat, no baby. i was heartbroken and shocked. i didn't know how to feel. i mean God had given us this unexpected miracle baby and then taken it away. i just didn't know why He had done this to us... to me! the next 6 months were really hard on me. i didn't know what i wanted to do with my life. i had planned to teach preschool, everything was all laid out. it was all planned. but God changed my plans and i was not to happy about it.
during those 6 months i learned a lot about myself. i learned that it was ok to "just" be a wife and a mother. that was what God had called me to be. i didn't need to work, i didn't need to do anything else. i had to find contentment in the role of wife and mother. and i did. i tried to make each day intentional (my word for 08) and do things with a purpose. it remains to be seen if i really accomplished this goal, but i tried.
i also learned (like i didn't know) just how much i like to be in control. i don't like to not know what is coming. i plan things out months in advance. i always have a timeline in my head. so during the 6 months i learned to let (at least a little bit of) that go. i mean i still like to know what is coming, but i won't die if i don't.
jack and i also went through financial peace university during that time. it was a life changing class for us (that we now have the privilege of helping lead a small group). we really started looking at money differently and we are trying to be more generous with what God has given us. looking back, i think another reason God did not have me work this year was so that we would HAVE to rely on him financially. if i had worked, we would have had some "extra" money and we would not have needed God on a daily basis. so because of our need for God we have learned to rely on Him. we know that He will provide for us. He even blesses us when we are not expecting it.
all in all it is much easier looking back on the hard times, than it is to go through them. i am VERY thankful that i am on the other side. i still mourn for the baby that we lost. i look forward to seeing paige in heaven. and i am very thankful for the little (i can hope!) boy that i carry now. i can't wait to meet him. i know that God's plan is best and that we are blessed with this baby at the perfect time.
i just wanted to share what i have learned and how our lives have been changed through the struggles God has allowed us to have.